Not Where I Was

Not Where I Was

I was sharing with a friend yesterday that I had been thanking God earlier in the day for the truth that I am "not where I was." How true that is. When I look back to a couple of years ago and a few years ago, I realize that I was a completely different person then. How did I change so much, one might ask? Well, it wasn't all flowers and sunshine, that's for sure. Before I go further, I must explain that even though I am very different now than I was in some other seasons, I still do not feel like I "have it all together," and I know I have so much to learn - so much room to grow. Also, there have been other seasons in my life that I was much more like where I am now than the rough seasons I am thinking about from a couple/few years ago.

"Then and Now"

Well, then I was in a place of desperation for something or someone to fill the void I felt in my life. Though I had a relationship with Christ, I was not fully trusting Him to meet my needs. I was not satisfied with Him but felt like I needed something more.

I had to walk through a few scary wildernesses in order to be molded and shaped into who I am today. The Lord has faithfully been refining me and He's not finished yet! Through the darkness of some valleys- the dry, parched land of some deserts, and alongside some heartache, disappointment, and shattered dreams, He has strengthened my character, given me perseverance, and grown my faith in ways I did not know existed.  

Now, I feel so full. So enriched. I am in a place of desperation - but it is different. It is a place of desperation for God to lead me and for my hope, security, and identity to be found in Him alone.
One of the books I read for my theology class this semester had quite a bit in it about the fact that God the Father invites us to be a part of the communion that He and the Son share. I feel like I have embraced my identity as a child of God so much more fully in recent months and it is something that brings great joy!


I am more confident in who I am- who God has made me to be and the gifts, passions He has placed in my heart. I am also more confident in who God is.

I know that there will be more dark valleys, dry deserts, scary wilderness, heartache, disappointment, and maybe even shattered dreams. But I know who it is that goes before me and behind me and who is right there with me all the time. My Rock. My Fortress. My Deliverer. My Hope.


My Hope


My prayer through some recent ups and downs has been, "Lord, I want to put my hope in You and only You. Not in any other person or thing or circumstance...just in You." Wow, He has been so faithful and has allowed that to happen - at least in this moment and many moments in recent months. Sometimes I am putting my hope in Him alone one minute and then the next I am not...but He's changed the desire of my heart and what I am leaning on...I have come to realize that He is the only one I can fully lean on all of the time.


A New Song in My Heart


He's put a new song (actually several) in my heart and I am grateful that through these literal songs and also the new perspective and joy I've found, that my intimacy with Him has deepened. I think of a song that Sandra McCracken sings titled Rock of Ages that I learned when I was preparing to help lead worship for a women's retreat back in October. It has become one of my favorites. The lyrics are:


Rock of Ages, when the day seems long
From this labor and this heartache I have come
The skies will wear out, but You remain the same
Rock of Ages, I praise Your name.

Rock of Ages, You have brought me near
You have poured out Your life-blood, Your love, Your tears
To make this stone heart come alive again
Rock of Ages, forgive my sin

Rock of Ages, Rock of Ages
Bind your children til' your kingdom comes
Rock of Ages, Your will be done

Rock of Ages, when in want or rest
My desperate need for such a Savior I confess
Pull these idols out from my heart embrace
Rock of Ages, I need Your grace

Rock of Ages, broken, scorned for me
Who am I that You would die to make me free?
To give me glory, You took the death and pain
Rock of Ages, my offering
Rock of Ages, "It is done," You cried
The curtain's torn and I see justice satisfied
Now write Your mercy here on my heart and hands
Rock of Ages, in faith I stand

Rock of Ages, my great hope secure
Your promise holds just like an anchor to my soul
Bind your children with cords of love and grace
Rock of Ages, we give You praise


I am reminded that even when I experience heartache or when I feel weary, He remains the same. He is my Solid Rock throughout the years. Even when I begin to have idols in my life or get distracted from His will, He is full of grace and leads me back to Himself . I AM His child and He has bound me with cords of love and grace. I am desperate for the Savior who poured out His life-blood, His love, and His tears. I give Him praise and thanks. What an amazing gift to be led out of the desert. Out of the winter. Out of the wilderness. Into the green meadow where the Good Shepherd is leading me in His perfect way and loving me so much that He allows me to be a part of the adventure of walking with and following Him.

Deep Certainty

Do you ever have one of those days? When the future seems so uncertain and life seems so messy? If you are like me, you've had more days like that than you can count. Today was kind of like one of those days. As I was praying and listening to music this afternoon, one of the songs that came on is titled "A Mighty Fortress" by Nathan and Christy Nockels. The lyrics are:

Our God is, a consuming fire, 
A burning holy Flame, with glory and freedom
Our God is, the only righteous judge,
Ruling over us with kindness and wisdom

We will keep our eyes on You
We will keep our eyes on You

A mighty fortress is our God
A sacred refuge is Your Name
Your Kingdom is unshakable
With You forever we will reign

Our God is, jealous for His own
None could comprehend, His love and His mercy
Our God is exalted on His throne
High above the heavens
Forever He’s worthy...

We will keep our eyes on You
We will keep our eyes on You

We will keep our eyes on You
We will keep our eyes on You
So we can set our hearts on You
Lord we will set our hearts on You!

I was reminded as I listened to the song and talked to the Lord that His Kingdom is unshakable. That no matter what happens in this life, He is on the throne and He is with me. My prayer was that I would keep my eyes on Him and set my heart on Him because He never changes. 

Then I went to the evening service at my church and my pastor spoke about 1 John 5:11-20. John writes in this letter that if we have heard the Truth, believed it, are living like a Christ follower, and know that His Kingdom is continuing to come to us as we live (really live), than we can have a deep certainty about the future and hope for what is to come.  "When we know where we are headed and what our purpose is, we can face the future with confidence." (Pastor Bryan)

1 John 5:19 says, "We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one."  It is true that God never promised us that things would be easy in this life, that we would not face hardships, messiness, and uncertainty or that our relationships and families would be perfect.  We are told in Scripture that the evil one is the prince of this world right now. 

But there is hope! 1 John 5:20 says, "We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know Him who is true. And we are in Him who is true- even in His Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life."   Wow, I love this verse. When we know that we can know the One who is true, we can have confidence moving forward...that our lives have meaning and purpose and that no matter what difficulty we encounter or uncertainty about the future, we have a firm foundation on which to stand. A Solid Rock. A Mighty Fortress to run to when the world is seemingly closing in. 

For those of us in relationship with Christ, we can have deep certainty of eternal life because those of us who have the Son have life (1 John 5:12). Verse 13 of Chapter 5 says, "I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life." If we believe in the name of Christ, we already have eternal life. It is not something we will one day possess...we have it now!  Let us keep our eyes on Him, the author and perfecter of our faith. Let us set our hearts on Him. 

Lord, You are So Good

Wow. He really is good, isn't He? Sometimes I struggle to believe and know God's goodness. Life has been a little crazy (okay, maybe more than a little) in the past several weeks as I have been reading a bunch, working part time as a research and administrative assistant, attending amazing classes, and learning a ton. In the midst of feeling overwhelmed by it all, I am filled with a deep sense of peace that I am right where I need to be. 


This past weekend I attended the seminary women's retreat in Alton Bay, New Hampshire which is absolutely beautiful at this time of year (like most of New England is). The theme of the messages for the weekend was "Life in the Desert." The Lord really used our speaker, Sue, to speak to our hearts. Something I have sensed Him teaching me/reminding me of in the past month or so is that in His goodness and love towards me, He wants to bless me. At times I have difficulty receiving the blessings He wants to give me. I tend to immediately think, "Oh, that must not be the Lord's will" if something seems to make me feel really happy. Strange, huh? I was describing this to a friend last week and said, "Know what I mean?" She said, "Umm, no...I don't!" She said that she tends to think to the other extreme that what makes her happy must be God's will. But then there are a couple of other friends I have shared that with who totally understand where I'm coming from...interesting how our perceptions of who God is differ. 


Anyway, along with much discussion about suffering, one of the Scripture passages Sue read was Song of Songs 2:10-12:


"My love calls to me: Arise, my darling. Come away, my beautiful one. For now the winter is past; the rain has ended and gone away. The blossoms appear in the countryside; the time of singing has come..." (Holman Christian Standard Version)


Yes, I realize that winter is about to begin here in New England...however, when thinking about winter as a metaphor for the season of life I have been in these past couple of years, it is as if the Lord is saying to me, " It is okay to come out of the winter now...the rains are over and gone. It is now the time to sing."


Why has the "winter" become so comfortable to me? Why am I so afraid to follow my Lord out of the winter? Why am I afraid of singing again? I am not sure of all the reasons why I have a tendency to fear or to resist the blessings my Heavenly Father longs to pour out on me, His daughter. I do know, however, that I desire to overcome that fear and to fully receive all He is bringing me into! 


One of the songs we sang on the retreat was a hymn with the simple title Isaiah 43. Some of the lyrics (and the Scripture passage) are: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine...Do not be afraid, for I am with you..."


A couple of other Scriptures pointing to the love of our God for us and His desire to give good gifts:


Zephaniah 3:17- "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."


Matthew 7:11- "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!" 


I pray that you and I will step into the blessings God has for us in the "season of singing" when it comes.

Really?

What a whirlwind this past week has been including swimming at Walden Pond with some friends on Labor Day, a new student BBQ, orientation, the All-Seminary Clamfest, meeting many amazing people, searching for a part time job, a baby shower, Leadership meetings, and more! I am thankful that my parents and sister were able to come visit me at school for the BBQ and then again for the Clamfest...and for the mini-fridge they brought my way. :) I am also thankful for the amazing women I have known only for a week but have already bonded with on such a deep level- what an answer to prayer! 

As I reflect on the season of my life leading up to this point, I am filled with an awesome sense of comfort in knowing that the Good Shepherd has been leading me and guiding me. He has been picking me up when I have fallen down and He has not let me wander too far from the flock nor from the path. Of course there have been several times I have fallen and times when I have wanted to run from the flock or the path...still He has been faithful.  

I was sharing a bit tonight with one of the pastors from my church about why I am in seminary and a bit about my "calling." It was good to think back over the years and remember that even at the age of 16 or 17, the Lord was already giving me such a desire to make Him known through missions and evangelism. 

 "Since my youth, O God, You have taught me, and to this day I declare Your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare Your power to the next generation, Your might to all who are to come." Psalm 71:17-18

For years I have considered seminary as an option and now I am finally starting classes in His perfect timing. I am excited yet nervous about the work load and the challenges I will face. I know that the Lord will sustain me and grow me. He will transform me as I let Him and He will equip me for whatever He has in future chapters of my story. Please pray for me as I begin classes this week and seek to make  time with the Lord a priority in the midst of all the classes, reading, studying, and job searching!

Starting a New Chapter

Have you ever been reading a book and you just are not looking forward to moving on to the next chapter? Maybe you have an idea of what is about to happen or the next point that the author is going to make...and you do not want to go there. Maybe the book is boring and you would rather just stop while you are "ahead." Or maybe you have not understood much of what you have read so far in the book so you wonder why it would matter to read further. If you have had any of these experiences, I suppose you have also had the experience of looking forward to the next chapter. Anticipating what would be coming next. Maybe you did not understand much in the previous chapters but you still had a sense of optimism about what was to come next. Maybe things were a bit boring but you had the feeling that something interesting was bound to happen soon. Maybe you were even feeling the suspense and were impatient about finding out what was next.

Each of our lives are like books and in my story, a new chapter is about to begin. This is one I am really looking forward to. I do have an idea of what is about to happen in some ways but in other ways I do not have a clue. While I know that the author of my story has several points to make, I am not exactly sure what they all are. Things have definitely not been boring overall; however there have been many things I have not understood and some pages that seemed a bit dull or in which I had expected more to happen. Finally, I have most certainly felt impatient about starting this new chapter...yet I know that it is coming at the perfect place in the story.

I will be going to seminary full time this fall to earn a Master's degree in cross-cultural ministry. I know that I am going to learn many things, have some practical experience during an overseas practicum, be challenged and stretched with the help of an internship I will be a part of, and will meet some amazing men and women of God. I hope, that through it all I will grow closer to my Savior. I pray that I will know my Lord better and in deeper ways as a result of my time at seminary.

I know that I must be patient as the author of my life, the Lord God, continues letting the story He has written be revealed. I can only take it one page at a time. Some of the pages may not look all that great by themselves but I know that my Heavenly Father is making a beautiful story of my life and I am on the edge of my seat, full of anticipation as I get ready to start this new chapter!