Not Where I Was

Not Where I Was

I was sharing with a friend yesterday that I had been thanking God earlier in the day for the truth that I am "not where I was." How true that is. When I look back to a couple of years ago and a few years ago, I realize that I was a completely different person then. How did I change so much, one might ask? Well, it wasn't all flowers and sunshine, that's for sure. Before I go further, I must explain that even though I am very different now than I was in some other seasons, I still do not feel like I "have it all together," and I know I have so much to learn - so much room to grow. Also, there have been other seasons in my life that I was much more like where I am now than the rough seasons I am thinking about from a couple/few years ago.

"Then and Now"

Well, then I was in a place of desperation for something or someone to fill the void I felt in my life. Though I had a relationship with Christ, I was not fully trusting Him to meet my needs. I was not satisfied with Him but felt like I needed something more.

I had to walk through a few scary wildernesses in order to be molded and shaped into who I am today. The Lord has faithfully been refining me and He's not finished yet! Through the darkness of some valleys- the dry, parched land of some deserts, and alongside some heartache, disappointment, and shattered dreams, He has strengthened my character, given me perseverance, and grown my faith in ways I did not know existed.  

Now, I feel so full. So enriched. I am in a place of desperation - but it is different. It is a place of desperation for God to lead me and for my hope, security, and identity to be found in Him alone.
One of the books I read for my theology class this semester had quite a bit in it about the fact that God the Father invites us to be a part of the communion that He and the Son share. I feel like I have embraced my identity as a child of God so much more fully in recent months and it is something that brings great joy!


I am more confident in who I am- who God has made me to be and the gifts, passions He has placed in my heart. I am also more confident in who God is.

I know that there will be more dark valleys, dry deserts, scary wilderness, heartache, disappointment, and maybe even shattered dreams. But I know who it is that goes before me and behind me and who is right there with me all the time. My Rock. My Fortress. My Deliverer. My Hope.


My Hope


My prayer through some recent ups and downs has been, "Lord, I want to put my hope in You and only You. Not in any other person or thing or circumstance...just in You." Wow, He has been so faithful and has allowed that to happen - at least in this moment and many moments in recent months. Sometimes I am putting my hope in Him alone one minute and then the next I am not...but He's changed the desire of my heart and what I am leaning on...I have come to realize that He is the only one I can fully lean on all of the time.


A New Song in My Heart


He's put a new song (actually several) in my heart and I am grateful that through these literal songs and also the new perspective and joy I've found, that my intimacy with Him has deepened. I think of a song that Sandra McCracken sings titled Rock of Ages that I learned when I was preparing to help lead worship for a women's retreat back in October. It has become one of my favorites. The lyrics are:


Rock of Ages, when the day seems long
From this labor and this heartache I have come
The skies will wear out, but You remain the same
Rock of Ages, I praise Your name.

Rock of Ages, You have brought me near
You have poured out Your life-blood, Your love, Your tears
To make this stone heart come alive again
Rock of Ages, forgive my sin

Rock of Ages, Rock of Ages
Bind your children til' your kingdom comes
Rock of Ages, Your will be done

Rock of Ages, when in want or rest
My desperate need for such a Savior I confess
Pull these idols out from my heart embrace
Rock of Ages, I need Your grace

Rock of Ages, broken, scorned for me
Who am I that You would die to make me free?
To give me glory, You took the death and pain
Rock of Ages, my offering
Rock of Ages, "It is done," You cried
The curtain's torn and I see justice satisfied
Now write Your mercy here on my heart and hands
Rock of Ages, in faith I stand

Rock of Ages, my great hope secure
Your promise holds just like an anchor to my soul
Bind your children with cords of love and grace
Rock of Ages, we give You praise


I am reminded that even when I experience heartache or when I feel weary, He remains the same. He is my Solid Rock throughout the years. Even when I begin to have idols in my life or get distracted from His will, He is full of grace and leads me back to Himself . I AM His child and He has bound me with cords of love and grace. I am desperate for the Savior who poured out His life-blood, His love, and His tears. I give Him praise and thanks. What an amazing gift to be led out of the desert. Out of the winter. Out of the wilderness. Into the green meadow where the Good Shepherd is leading me in His perfect way and loving me so much that He allows me to be a part of the adventure of walking with and following Him.